Attachment Styles start early – what parents can do

When we think about a child’s development, we often focus on milestones—first steps, first words, starting school. But beneath those visible markers lies something even more foundational: the child’s attachment system. This early bond between a child and their caregiver shapes not only how they relate to others, but how they view themselves, manage stress, and navigate the world well into adulthood.

Attachment is not about being a “perfect” parent or having constant closeness. It’s about consistency, responsiveness, and emotional safety. When a baby cries and someone comes to comfort them, when a toddler falls and looks up to find a familiar face offering reassurance, these moments send a powerful message: The world is safe, and I am worthy of care. Over time, these experiences build what psychologists call a secure attachment—a mental and emotional template that teaches children to trust others, express their needs, and feel confident exploring their environment.

Secure attachment doesn’t mean children never get upset or that caregivers never make mistakes. In fact, research shows that “good enough” parenting—being attuned and responsive most of the time—is more than enough. What matters most is that children feel seen and soothed when they’re distressed, and that caregivers are emotionally available, even when things are messy or challenging.

Of course, not all children develop secure attachment patterns. Sometimes, due to inconsistent, overwhelming, or unavailable caregiving—whether because of mental health struggles, trauma, or life stressors—children may adapt by becoming overly self-reliant, anxious about abandonment, or unsure of how their needs will be met. These adaptations can lead to what we call insecure attachment styles, which can show up later in relationships as avoidance, clinginess, emotional dysregulation, or difficulty trusting others.

But the good news is this: attachment is not set in stone, and small, consistent efforts can have a big impact. Parents and caregivers can support secure attachment by being emotionally present, validating their child’s feelings, and creating predictable routines. Repair is also key—when we inevitably miss the mark, coming back to apologise or reconnect sends an important message that relationships can withstand misattunement and recover.

Being a secure base doesn’t mean shielding children from all discomfort. Rather, it means being a calm, reliable anchor when they’re facing the storm. It’s in the moments of upset—tantrums, fears, disappointments—that attachment is most deeply shaped. When a parent can hold space for a child’s distress without minimising it or becoming overwhelmed themselves, the child learns that their emotions are manageable and that they don’t have to face them alone.

If you’re unsure about your child’s attachment or your own parenting patterns, it can help to reflect on your own early experiences. Many of us parent the way we were parented—sometimes consciously, sometimes not. Gaining awareness of your own attachment history can be the first step in creating a more secure and attuned relationship with your child. And if needed, seeking support from a psychologist, family therapist, or parenting counsellor can provide valuable guidance and reassurance.

Ultimately, attachment isn’t about doing everything right—it’s about showing up, again and again, with warmth, patience, and curiosity. The connection you build today lays the groundwork for your child’s emotional security for years to come. And that’s something worth investing in.