Understanding the Window of Tolerance in Kids: When Big Feelings Take Over

The “window of tolerance” describes the range within which a child’s nervous system can manage emotions effectively. When they’re within this window, they can think, play, and learn comfortably. But when stress or emotion pushes them beyond it, they may “blow up” (hyperarousal) or “shut down” (hypoarousal). 

Hyperarousal looks like anger, yelling, or impulsivity—signs the child’s system is overactivated. Hypoarousal looks like withdrawal, blank stares, or fatigue—a protective “shutdown.” Both are nervous system responses, not deliberate choices. 

Children with narrow windows (often due to temperament, trauma, or stress) can become dysregulated more easily. Therapy helps expand the window by strengthening self-regulation and teaching body awareness. Parents can help by modelling calm breathing, maintaining routines, and naming emotions out loud (“It looks like you’re feeling really frustrated right now”). 

When a child is outside their window, reasoning rarely works. They need connection, calm, and co-regulation before reflection. Once they return to balance, gentle discussion builds insight and emotional literacy. 

Recognising your child’s signs of dysregulation allows early intervention before escalation. The goal isn’t to avoid big feelings, but to help children feel safe while they experience and recover from them.