Emotional Regulation in Children: What’s Normal and What Needs Support?

Emotional regulation is one of the most important developmental tasks of childhood. It’s what allows children to recognise their feelings, tolerate distress, and respond to challenges in flexible, adaptive ways. But this ability doesn’t develop overnight—and for many parents and caregivers, it can be hard to know what’s part of typical development and what might signal the need for additional support.

In the early years, it’s completely normal for children to have big emotional reactions. Tantrums, crying, clinginess, yelling, and even hitting or throwing things can be part of a child’s learning curve. These behaviours aren’t necessarily signs that something is “wrong”—they often reflect a child’s limited capacity to express themselves, manage frustration, or cope with transitions. Young children, especially toddlers and preschoolers, are still developing the brain structures needed for emotional control. Until these systems mature, children rely heavily on the adults around them to help soothe and co-regulate.

What’s important to look at isn’t whether a child has meltdowns, but how often they happen, how intense they are, how long they last, and how the child recovers afterward. It’s also helpful to consider whether the reactions are age-appropriate. For example, it’s expected that a two-year-old might become inconsolable when their toy breaks, but we wouldn’t expect the same emotional intensity from a ten-year-old in that situation. As children grow, we typically see an increasing ability to pause, reflect, express emotions with words, and use strategies to self-soothe—especially with adult support.

That said, some children have a harder time developing these skills, and that’s not necessarily due to parenting or personality. Emotional regulation can be affected by a wide range of factors, including temperament, neurodevelopmental differences (like ADHD or autism), early attachment experiences, sensory processing issues, anxiety, and trauma. In these cases, a child’s emotional responses might be consistently intense, unpredictable, or difficult to calm. They may struggle with transitions long past the toddler years, have frequent outbursts that don’t improve with guidance, or show signs of distress in multiple environments (home, school, social settings).

It’s also worth paying attention to how a child feels about their own emotions. Children who say they “hate themselves” when they’re upset, who withdraw or shut down after outbursts, or who feel constantly “out of control” may be telling us that their internal world feels overwhelming—and that they need help making sense of it.

Seeking support doesn’t mean there’s something “wrong” with the child. Rather, it can be a way of strengthening their emotional foundation and helping them build skills that don’t come easily. Psychologists, counsellors, occupational therapists, and other allied health professionals can work with families to better understand the child’s emotional world, support co-regulation strategies, and tailor approaches to the child’s individual needs.

It’s also helpful to reframe our expectations. Emotional regulation is a long developmental journey, not a quick milestone. All children will have moments of emotional overwhelm, even as they grow older. What matters most is not whether they “stay calm all the time,” but whether they feel safe, supported, and guided in learning how to understand and manage their emotions.

By meeting children where they’re at—rather than where we wish they were—we create space for genuine growth. And as adults, we play a vital role in modelling calm, validating feelings, setting limits with compassion, and reminding children: “It’s okay to feel big things. I’m here to help you through it.