The Cycle of Avoidance: Why Your Child’s Anxiety Gets Stronger When They Pull Away

Avoidance is one of the most common patterns in childhood anxiety. When a situation feels scary—school, sleepovers, or social interactions—avoiding it brings short-term relief. Unfortunately, this relief teaches the brain that avoidance equals safety, and the fear grows stronger over time. 

This “cycle of avoidance” reinforces anxiety because the child never gets to learn that the feared event might be tolerable or even positive. Each avoidance makes the next attempt harder, shrinking the child’s confidence and independence. Clinically, breaking this cycle involves gentle, supported exposure—helping the child face fears gradually and successfully. 

Parents can unknowingly reinforce avoidance by rescuing (“You don’t have to go”) or accommodating anxiety (“I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep”). While well-intentioned, these responses strengthen the message that the child can’t cope alone. A more effective approach is validating the fear (“I know this feels scary”) while supporting brave behaviour (“Let’s try it together”). 

Therapy focuses on building emotional regulation and coping skills so the child can face challenges with support, not avoidance. Progress is gradual—each small step toward approach rewires the brain’s safety system. 

Courage in children doesn’t mean fearlessness; it means feeling scared and trying anyway—with the support of a trusted adult nearby.