Why Kids Act Out: Understanding Behaviour as Communication

When a child throws themselves on the ground in the middle of a shopping centre or flat-out refuses to get dressed for school, it can be easy to interpret it as misbehaviour or defiance. In the moment, these actions may feel irrational, disrespectful, or disruptive. But in reality, much of what we label as “acting out” is a child’s way of communicating something they can’t yet express in words. In child psychology, we understand behaviour not as the problem itself, but as a signal—an external expression of an internal experience.

Children are still developing the cognitive and emotional skills needed to regulate their feelings and impulses. Their brains are a work in progress, particularly in areas that help them manage frustration, tolerate transitions, and cope with disappointment. This means that when a child is overwhelmed—whether by tiredness, hunger, overstimulation, or emotion—they’re more likely to communicate their distress through behaviour rather than language. Yelling, crying, throwing objects, or refusing to cooperate aren’t just random acts of disobedience; they’re often the result of a child reaching their limit.

From a psychological standpoint, children do well when they can. If they’re not behaving “well,” something is likely getting in the way. Perhaps they’re feeling anxious about something they don’t know how to name. Perhaps they’re struggling with a change in routine, feeling disconnected from their caregivers, or unsure of what’s expected of them in a situation. These stressors, while small from an adult’s perspective, can feel enormous to a child.

Instead of focusing solely on stopping the behaviour, we can begin to ask ourselves: What might this child be trying to tell me right now? This shift in perspective allows us to respond more effectively and compassionately. Rather than jumping straight to discipline or correction, we can take a moment to regulate ourselves first—because a dysregulated adult cannot regulate a dysregulated child. Then, once calm, we can offer support, validation, and guidance.

This doesn’t mean letting go of boundaries or avoiding consequences altogether. Rather, it means understanding the difference between punishment and teaching. If we want children to develop emotional awareness and self-control, they need adults who model those things and provide them with the language and tools to manage their feelings. A child who feels seen and understood is far more likely to be open to learning how to behave differently in the future.

It’s important to remember that repeated acting out might also be a sign that something deeper is going on—whether that’s anxiety, sensory processing difficulties, challenges at school, or unmet emotional needs. In such cases, working with a child psychologist or allied health professional can offer further insight and support.

Ultimately, when we begin to see behaviour as communication, we meet children with curiosity rather than control. We stop asking, “How do I get them to behave?” and start wondering, “What are they trying to tell me, and how can I help?” This approach builds stronger relationships and nurtures emotional growth—not just in children, but in the adults caring for them, too.